I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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