My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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