seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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