How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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