Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
