Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
