The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
