Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
