I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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