the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize