going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
