the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
