Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
