I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
