Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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