I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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