And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize