my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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