You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
