laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
