the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
