the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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