this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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