I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
