You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
