I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish my penis had an off switch
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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