My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
