I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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