I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
