By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
