jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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