I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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