At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
