similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
