she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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