What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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