were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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