God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
