If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
