I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
