I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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