So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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