If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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