if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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