I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
