sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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