I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
