why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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