I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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