My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Actions speak louder than pants.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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