I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
