I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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