As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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