Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
sex in a hospital.. check
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
