i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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