On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
