Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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