please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
