I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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