every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
