i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
