i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
