the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize