I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
