I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
