I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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