Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
